How to survive as something totally different
by emjoelle
Summary: Nightshade is bored with her 72 hours of mandatory rest and decided to write a list of rules for surviving after becoming a member of a whole different species.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Surviving the initial Change

**A/N This came about because I wanted to try my hand at writing first person POV. I thought I would start with something easy like a rules list. Yes they have been done but I don't think they have been done from this perspective. I promise they will get funnier as it goes. Nightshade will get more bored as the last 24 hours pass. This is set right after the first chapter of Question when she is supposed to be resting for 72 earth hours. **

"Thanks for checking on me Knock Out. Now can I rest? I told you how Ratchet promised to weld you to a berth if you bothered me?"

"Oooh I am so afraid! I would be so bored but you need this glitching is no fun. I'm going to see if I can persuade Bumblebee and Smokescreen to race me. Looking forward to when you join us again."

"Go Knock Out." Data pad where are you? Seriously it has only been 2 days but 2 days is leaving me talking to myself and inanimate objects. I think this rest and fueling sentence is starting to make me crazy. I'll write rules to help someone not get in this situation. "

**_Nightshade begins to write_**

I have been Cybertronian for the past three years. You have heard that there are two people in the world. Those who learn from other peoples mistakes and those who have to make the mistakes. I am now writing rules to help whomever may find this to avoid making my mistakes. First some rules for surviving after you become a member of a totally different species. Of course the likely hood of that happening is low but not impossible as it happened to me and I have read about others who are not as vocal about it. They are not as vocal maybe because they are smarter. Anyway here are those rules. They may apply to any sentient species but because I am a human turned Cybertronian I am writing as if you have just become one as well.

There are many ways this could happen. First you may have simply fallen asleep one night and woke up the next morning as an alien. If this happens you should pinch yourself or stick your finger in a light socket or grab a power line because you are most likely dreaming. If it actually happened you will not feel anything from the pinch and then feel the rush of the current. Being Cybertronian I am told it would actually feel pleasant. I haven't actually tried but there are rumors. I won't elaborate.

Second you are stupid enough to touch an object you have no clue about, drink a substance you've never seen or pour an unknown substance all over your body. Here is a rule for that. Keep your hands to yourself and if it isn't yours don't touch it. If you did you may find yourself Cybertronian, or a mutant but I digress.

The third way is to have the misfortune of dying and waking to find a cheeky and slightly sadistic deity, Primus, waiting to reincarnate you and send you back as one of his children. If so all I can say is I am truly sorry. If this happens you may be fortunate enough to come back as a sparkling then have your whole life to figure out the rules.

Finally the fourth way is the way it happened to me and at least one other. I didn't tell Megatron about her so don't you either. I had the misfortune of becoming a lab rat in some idiotic mad scientist's experiment. (See M.E.C.H)

**Rule 1. Don't panic **

Sure you will most likely be a little bit afraid but don't under any circumstances allow yourself to get into a full blown panic attack. It will make the situation worse. Initially I was in too much pain to panic. I heard voices and knew I had to keep cool. I had to be patient. A distraction came as I knew it would and I made a break for it. Panic would have let my captors know I was conscious and would not have had the time I needed to plan. If you are sent back by Primus by all means make him explain things to you. Don't let him send you back afraid.

**Rule 2. Take a moment to analyze the situation. Be aware of your surroundings and do a quick diagnostic. **

Going on pure fear or anger is never a good idea. Seek strategic advantages. I had a keen sense of time and used that to know when I would have to face my captors. If you can find a high ground get there. Be aware of yourself. I didn't even realize what I was until much later and that gave myself away. I couldn't keep my secret.

**Rule 3. It may sound contrary but instinct can be a good thing. Use it.**

As a human you had the hormone adrenaline. You know fight or flight. It kept you alive. In the same vein Cybertronians have battle protocols that will engage automatically in dangerous situations. They are similar in function to adrenaline but do more. Trust what comes up on your HUD.

**Rule 4. Don't try to go home.**

This should be obvious but I was stupid enough to try it. I had no idea where I was only general directions. I was going to go back to school like nothing happened. Remember how I said I didn't even know what I was. I didn't bother to look. Yeah bad mistake on so many levels. If you still think you want to think about this first. Your family and friends won't recognize you. They will most likely freak out. Besides, haven't you seen the sci-fi shows? What is the first thing those mad scientist humans want to do to the alien? Right find out more about it and now via interview. If you are like me you didn't come from one lab table to wind up in pieces on another. Don't do it. Stay away and look for those of your own kind. Consider yourself dead to your family and friends or you really will be.

**Rule 5. You don't have to tell everything you know.**

Unless you find yourself in a human court this is a really good one to remember. When you find others like you, other Cybertronians, you don't have to tell them right away that you were not born a Cybertronian. Trust me the wrong individual with this information can and will use it against you if given the opportunity. Tell only those you really know you trust and if your life depends on it. A good way to get around having to tell anyone is to fake amnesia. That buys you time to figure out who is trust worthy.

"Nightshade, What are you doing? Not resting from the sounds of it. Shall I comm Ratchet?"

"Knock Out, Leave me alone. I'm fine. You're just still mad that I went to him when all this started. Grow up and get over it."

"I care about you, sweetspark. I wish you had come to me first"

"See, that's just it, he doesn't call me that. It gets weird when you do. Now if I may back to resting before I comm Ratchet."

**Ok that is it. Next chapter if I do another will be her rules for surviving when you serve a crazy warlord better known as living with cons.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Living with a crazy Warlord: or Con life

**A/N Thanks for the favorites and review. I will respond. I realized I left out some of the action and it is purely dialogue when Nightshade got visitors. I am working on that. I seem to fall into the 3****rd**** person trap so I was too careful. Attempt to fix that here.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the cannon characters. Just my oc. Disclaimer applies to first chapter as well.**

I didn't realize just how annoying a supposed vacation could be. I do love my fellow sports though. The energon yes. Fueling. That has been interesting. So someone, not sure who decided that they could save trips if they brought me high grade. Same effect less of it, Logical right? Uh No! I didn't over do it I promise but if this keeps up well my rules may get a little silly.

**Rule 6: Just because you can now do things you couldn't do before doesn't mean you should.**

There are lots of things you can do as a Cybertronian that were impossible to do as a human. The most obvious one is transforming. I was told that it is as natural as breathing to an organic, by one who has never been organic. It is, after the first few times so you will want to give yourself a few minutes to get used to it before you meet others. Some of the things you could do as a human that I wouldn't recommend trying now are surfing hanging out on the beach and playing DDR. Not on the warship or with any bot for that matter. The sand and salt water is corrosive not to mention you will be getting sand out of your innards forever. There isn't a surf board that will hold you. Don't play DDR. You weigh much more than a human and may smash the floor, or shake the warship out of the sky. If there are other humans around you may accidently or purposely step on them then you will have a mess on your pede to clean off. Besides they take the songs way too seriously. I learned later Bee will prove he is not sweet or little. Boom Boom Dollar is bad for a bot who packs lots of fire power. Just saying. I could continue for hours but I only have a day left and only so much space. But believe me the ability to transform and move at over 200 miles per hour is far better than any of those experiences.

**Rule 7: Consider the name of the group/faction you find yourself a part of.**

The name says it all. In this case DECEPTICON. You know part deception and part con artist. Well they got this name for a reason. They will deceive you without question if you let them. They are perfect liers. I was still so afraid that I didn't make the connection right away. In fact it was much later before I did. That was only because my sarcastic doctor, guardian, teacher, mentor, and daddy figure…Ratchet pointed it out.

**Rule 8: Befriend the Medic**

This can be very beneficial, especially if the medic has his own mad doctor moments. It was for me on both sides of that blasted war. It is especially a good idea when the leader is crazy and capable of doing absolutely anything to you. If he is having one of his off moments and likes you then you will get treated faster and maybe get a pain killer. Don't ever make him mad because if he is mad enough to refuse to treat you, you will be in deep slag when the crazy warlord discovers you can no longer do your job.

**Rule9: If it isn't yours don't touch it**

I mentioned this in my introduction but it is worth repeating. Even more so if you got this way because you did touch something. If you don't know what something is it, ASK . It is better to do that and look ridiculous than to potentially injure yourself and tick off the crazy doc. If you know what it is and need to borrow it. ASK. Case in point I got some scratches in a race and at the time didn't have my own buffer. Come to think of it I had very little of anything. I was friends with the medic in question so I borrowed his buffer. Bad mistake. I eventually got the scratches out. I had a few more but he buffed them all out for me once I explained the situation.

**Rule 10: The human game 20 questions is not a good way to get information**

Be direct. They easily get annoyed when you beat around the bush for things. Also the 20 questions set up allows for time to think about a lie. Besides crazy Cybertronian warlords and the rest of their followers get annoyed by human games. They find humans to be a lesser life form and generally do not want to engage in their form of entertainment. They have precious little time. They are after all plotting to take over their planet and from there the entire universe.

Wheeljack came in to see me later.

"So Jack did you and Knock Out spike my energon again? You know that is a bad idea if it is still in my system day after tomorrow. That is not the fuel Ratchet had in mind you know I am going to get it from now own. This vacation is getting annoying. You all wonder why I work to much?"

"Just trying to help you get more social. You said you wanted more time with you friends. Right?" he asked me.

"yeah Thanks." I told him. He picked up my pad.

"What are you doing? Writing rules?" He just laughed. Befriend the medic huh. Seems like you have done more than that. With both of them. "

"shut the frag up and give me that. You know I see Ratch as a sire I never had and as far as Knock Out is concerned yes we are friends. Where do you all get the idea there is more to it?" I was getting annoyed at this point.

Wheel jack smirked. "I don't know maybe the fact you call each other sweetspark all the time. Sure you're not already bonded?"

That was enough. "Thanks for the energon now get out. I will beat your aft day after tomorrow. Racing if nothing else. "

**A/N well that was chapter two R&R. Thanks.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Culture Shock

**A/N Thanks for the favorites and follows. Thanks Nightbird for the review. If you have any ideas feel free to make suggestions. **

**Disclaimer on last chapter**

"Jack, Why are you still here? i asked you to leave. I'm quite sure Ratchet won't mind welding you to a berth or better yet to the ceiling." He just stood there looking at me like he had lost his processor. "Sorry. Nightshade honestly I know you spent time with the cons and no doubt learned the tricks so you could get past Knock Out and ole Cyclops but are you really okay.?"

"Yeah, you're just impossibly nosy today. I didn't glitch the other day. Get the report. I just well gotta take time to uh eat. You're right about something though. I need to be more social. Some high-grade following a nice race would be great after I am cleared. It is just that this means so much. I've got a new home. It is alive. I want it perfect again"

Wheeljack interrupted me at that point. "Stop, Nightshade, there is no such thing as perfect. Cybertron was never perfect. why do you think the slagging war ever started not over a perfect planet and a perfect society. But yeah I'm glad it is alive again too.

His comm link went off. "Well, gotta go kiddo. Knock out and I will bring the good stuff."

The door closed behind him. I grabbed the data pad off the floor. Where was I? Oh yes rule 11. While I've been thinking about being social I will go with social rules.

**Rule 11. Becoming a new Species is a lot like moving to a place with an entirely different culture. Respect that.**

That is the best way to explain it. It is absolutely under no circumstances ok to attempt to force yours on to them. In case you have never been out of your native land and have lived under a log let me explain a little more. This is in everything from greetings, relationships and even entertainment.

**Rule 12 The mechs out-number the femmes 12 to 1**

In the beginning Primus created 13 children. For some reason, I guess because their source of new life is the all spark, in his wisdom he made only one of the Femme. The Allspark is part of him and seemingly it continued that pattern to just before the war started and the last sparkling was born. Twelve mechs to every one femme. So logically you can't be surprised to see that not all bonded couples are mech/femme couples. I didn't give it a second thought but there are sadly some who might. Remember not your original culture or your original species so don't let it bother you. Not that it should anyway. There one other thing on that note that I want to warn you about that did bother me at first. I noticed it on the warship. I got strange looks before someone pointed out the ratio to me. It was during war so they didn't expect a femme to sign up to fight. I didn't bother to tell them I actually didn't sign up but that is a different story for a different day. They just told me that there were different roles and I was of course out of the norm. What was supposed to happen though? Was a human female supposed to be a Mech? Possible, I suppose, you will see why when I explain the next rule but not likely.

**Rule 13 The only real difference between them is size and basic frame shape.**

Femmes are generally smaller and have a rounder chassis. Note I said generally. There are exceptions to every rule. Regardless of what species you have become don't automatically assume the same gender roles or that they even have gender.

**Rule 14 Do not ever tell anyone you think that they should have been the other one. The real difference rule is a rule but there are exceptions.**

This should be ridiculously obvious but I thought I would throw it in because in my experience nothing actually is, besides you would be surprised at what I heard on the warship. I am sure it was in jest, it was hilarious, but just in case I will mention it. I love amusing so here it goes. Supposedly Commander Starscream often got called a Femme because of his smaller frame and thrusters. I have to admit they do look like stilettos. He was clueless about Earth and apparently some of the mechs did some research and saw that they are something human femmes wear so the joke started. He is an easy target anyway. Yeah don't do it. You know if you've ever done it to another human as a human there is no way to fix it. You just have to accept the fact that you put your foot in your mouth. Yeah it is even worse now.

**Rule 15 Be aware of who initiates the Bonds in a culture. With Cybertronians couples in a mech/femme bond the femme with initiate it. **

As I wrote above I was made aware of this on the Nemesis. It is so different from most human cultures. It is kind of liberating having that kind of power but scary at the same time. Good to know for whatever you happen to be. The only thing im not sure about is who initiates it in a Mech/Mech couple. It is not a situation that applies to me so if it does to you, sorry you're on your own.

I looked up at the last rule and laughed. I need to really get over myself and take heed to that. Wheeljack is right I need to stop lying... to myself. Maybe Knock Out is waiting on me. I definitely need a chat with Arcee.

**A/N I think this chapter is better pov wise. I seem to not be funny though. I am working on that. I get these ideas at weird hours. **


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Entertainment Tonight

So apparently my fellow bots think that I really will glitch in the next 36 hours and I seriously might if I don't get a little bit more power down time. It is kind of hard to do when they are always checking in on me. I think that is what Ratchet said that I am supposed to be doing anyway. But in a very real sense they are right. I can only "rest" so long.

I think I may just call Arcee. That last rule got me thinking about something. I need another Femme's opinion one that is better at this than me due to experiences. Maybe this was part of Doc's plan besides the obvious energy depletion. To help me integrate and form a social life. I refused to initially because of work. I need more of a social life than just races occasionally. Yeah that is it. It is good for you right. I do miss my human friends.

I was lost in thought again when the door opened, and speak of Unicron it was the girl herself. The loner thought i needed company and rations that weren't spiked. Gotta love WheelJack.

"Here Nightshade. I won't stay and bother you long." Arcee told me. Yep, leave it to the one with the reputation of liking to be alone to agree to leave me be.

"Wait." I told her. "You're just the one I want to talk with." I was glad Primus finally decided to actually help me for once.

"Oh. You need my help with some of your rules? I heard about those. Who are you expecting to turn? are you some form of terrorcon now? " We both just laughed "No, " I told her. "It does help me keep my sanity though. I might just publish it in a psychiatry chapter in a medical journal. I do have insight on being different. or I might put it in a magazine at a bar when we get those kind of things rebuilt just for a laugh."

"No, I know better but the one they talk about is the one about having a more that professional relationship with the medic. You want pointers with that one?"

If i could have blushed at that point i would have. "yeah, so everyone thinks we are spark mates now right? "Affirmative" she answered. Before I could stop her she grabbed the data pad and turned it on. Of course the last one i wrote was still up.

"Now I understand what you are you want to ask me but won't," Another blush moment. "Yeah," I said. The customs thing. "Looks to me like you get it. If you aren't spark mates and you are waiting for him to make the move you are going to be waiting a long time. He won't. How do you know he isn't getting frustrated waiting on you. Let Knock Out know."

"What if he doesn't see me like that? What if he did and is pissed off about my treason? what if he says no? Can I handle rejection?" I just shook my helm at the thought. Besides how do I bring it up? I've never needed to before. Never even been interested."

"Nightshade, please. It is obvious to everyone. He keeps acting like he does. He isn't going to say no. I used to be in a relationship you know, before Screamer killed him. You just have to be upfront. You already have a friendship with him. Just step it up. Do something somewhere other than the race track or the lab. Make it different."

Great thanks. That gave me an idea. So when are you and Wheeljack going to get together?" I asked half-jokingly.

"On that note I am out of here. I'll let you plan." she left and as the door closed behind her I picked up my data pad. the next set things to do when you want to socialize.

**Rule 16: Don't go to a Party Alone**

I can't think of a time when this is ever a good idea. Even if you are familiar with the culture, the people, and the area don't do it. It is a bad idea. What is that? You want me to elaborate? Ok If it helps I will laugh at myself as I share my reasons. Just promise me you will never speak a word of this to anyone, especially Ratchet. I am fond of my finish and my mobility thank you and if you do I will ruin yours.

It was about three weeks after I found myself aboard the Nemesis. The crew needed a "morale boost" and a couple of mechs decided to smuggle the good stuff, high grade, on board and drown the frustrations. The small rec room became party zone. I'm still to this day not sure how they got Megatron to agree, although I am sure it was a bribe. I wasn't planning on going. I still had a lot to learn about my history and a world I had never visited. Hawk promised to go with me. (I should have known then I couldn't trust him) but he didn't. He had a last minute assignment or something. So because I was angry for having been stood up I went. I know Knock Out would be there. It was a typical party scene, loud music, dancing, and drinking. I knew they would get high grade but at the time I was still unfamiliar with it. I think I was approached by every mech there. Most were already intoxicated. At this point I was figuring out my role in the con family. My protector was gone I thought. I didn't know Knock Out had an optic for me. He was bartending and couldn't do anything so the hit on me and I moved on. I was offered High grade. I didn't drink much as a human and had low tolerance for alcohol and I had never done drugs so it was new. If you aren't used to it as a human don't go all in as a cybertronian. High grade is intoxicating but more like speed than alcohol. I had never been high so it scared me. I don't know what I did between that first cube and waking up in my berth. No one would tell me. I woke up with a scratched finish, and a mad medic standing over me scanning me buffer in hand and a furious look in his optics. Get an escort!

**Rule 17: When planning movie nights choose carefully.**

Watching movies are a far better idea than going clubbing. However it can get interesting if you aren't planning on watching alone. I suggested this once. Only once. No one could agree on anything and I retreated to my berth room with a sci-fi thriller that I wanted to watch. I should have just watched it without suggesting anyone else join me. Here are some bad ideas that came up.

Knock Out is fond of Horror. His excuse was to get to know the humans culture, as if humans are really that violent, or stupid. I think he like the ideas he got for new uses for his saws.

He and several others also like the testosterone induce speed racing movies. This is also a bad idea. If you watch this do not under any circumstances try any of the things in the movies. Not on earth or Cybertron, especially not on Cybertron. Metal streets are worse than gravel ones. Let's just leave it at that.

Comedies are a bad idea because the humor will be lost on most native cybertronians. Their humor may be lost on you at first.

Science fiction is out. They seem to not get the fiction part of it and unless you just happen to like the old show MST-3000 avoid them because the bots will do this while you try to watch. They will even do this with the good science fiction. They point out everything wrong with it.

**Rule 18: Cybertronians like music. They have their own. **

Don't insist on listening to yours until their audios leak that is even possible, most would turn them down. There are a few bots that appreciate other cultures and will listen to some Earth music. Most find it annoying. Cybertronian songs are longer and the rhythms structured like an equation. It is uniquely beautiful, artsy but not just an expression of emotion but of order and structure. This is why it is amusing to watch the bots attempt human dances. Besides the size differences human's dancing is random even the ball room dances. I am told the balls held by the wealthy in the golden age were something else. I hope they bring them back but for everyone. 

**Rule 19: Cybertronians have sporting events. Play those don't try Human ones.**

Size and build really comes into play when considering sports. As a human I was very athletic. I swam and ran track competitively. I enjoyed street basketball and the occasional holiday softball game. While great for working out and enjoying yourself as a human these don't work so well as cybertronian. Swimming in water can cause corrosion. Running is pointless you have an alt mode. Football will scratch you paint and give you dents. It is possible to damage an optic with something as small as a baseball. Cybertronians have a version of a triathlon that is done in what humans may consider a gymnasium. It is something like triathlon meets capture the flag. It involves aerial moves, speed on the ground, quick reflexes, and oil based swimming.

**Rule 20: Pranks are fun. Be choosy with who you decide to prank and what you choose to do. **

The individual you decide to prank must have a sense of humor. Never try to prank Ratchet unless you like dodging medical equipment. (Though that may help if you plan on competing in the triathlon.) If you manage to pull it off be prepared to get it in return. A human prank that

I wouldn't recommend around the bots is webbing someone's quarters. There was a certain con who took the form of a certain organic creature known for webs. You will be injured if you do this. Trading regular energon for high grade is fun. It gives more bots a sense of humor.

**A/N I better stop there. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. I may include some of these in my main story. I will most likely add to these as well as come up with more. **


End file.
